I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. Bye. It leaves me an opening to decline politely once everything has been said. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. 2. Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. Is it just me? Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. Opposite of what I want . Once we own that, and stop feeling guilty, etc., it becomes easier to seize the power, and it becomes easier to think of what we ARE going to say. Thats just the question it looks like. IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. Nanani, that is absolutely true. "It's going well.". Never trust Calvin, even if you see Hobbes! Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? or are you busy?). FRIEND: I am available [date]! Its mostly me trying to figure out a friends general level of free time and not impose if theyre busy or dealing with a crisis. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. Number 6 is my answer to " why don t u want to have kids ? Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. Why is that worth it? This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. Me: yes! or no, sorry. Oh, the usual, you? Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Good luck! *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. *Him: Hello, how are you? So when I get a what are you doing after work Friday? text halfway through work on Thursday just tell me what youre going to suggest in the same message. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. Im sure to him thats bewildering, but to me its bewildering that for so long he simply refused to choose to behave with appropriate respect. They say hey, and you reply with the same. People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. The people asking the question are rude and betraying their bigotry. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude! Rock the anger, LW. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! I guess I run with a very specific social crowd and it hasnt occurred to me in a while that its not always doable to say Im going to do CRAFTS ALONE, its going to be awesome. But I used to be in a grad program where people were super competitive, and if I said oh my god Im going to stay in this weekend, Im so peopled-out people would be lowkey mean about how I wasnt networking/studying/running charity marathons enough. They know this. I read that post all the time. I dont know? If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. And I understand many of your points. E- Enjoying. Its any individuals choice whether the tradeoffs are worth it. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. . If someone just using what are you doing on __ as a casual opening to issue an invite, it gives them the opening they need. I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. Im trying to train her out of the habit. But it puts me on edge every time I hear it. On the other hand, that was a while ago. You? Certain relatives. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. Nothing much. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. Well, it is a basic level of people-ing that you need to get used to if you want to interact with other humans, yanno. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. I see it my grandmothers A LOT, and how its been passed down to their daughters mainly. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. Assholes. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. At least, it never has for me! On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). You have to answer the . Thank you! Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. Them: We should have lunch soon. That being said, in a couple of guys Ive dated in the last few years, Ive been amazed at how fast and how almost without me noticing they can go from planning and executing dates very well to somehow only being able to function if Im doing it. THIS. Yeah, I ask this of people because Im making conversation! What did _you_ have in mind?. You have actually internalized a very common social rule. Am I Really? I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. Follow. But you, yours steals the show every time. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. Setting a timer or alarms. I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. Skip the part where you say Ill have to check my calendar or even Im not surejust go ahead and ask them what they have in mind! I sympathize. Flying in a rocket ship. But dont try to play us off against each other. Its the pre-request that to me frequently feels almost manipulative or entrapping. 2. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? Thats not an uncommon experience. Setting that aside for the moment, its apparently *supposed* to go like this: I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. This is how I deal with it: that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. I never know how to respond when service people ask How are you? and is seems almost like a variation of just saying hi. For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. In my experience small-talking cashiers/customer service people, giving them an opening to chat is the surest way to get out of having to fill the conversation myself. 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. So she says no. 3. For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. So the LWs anger at nosy questions is more than justified. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. E- Engage in the fun. Why? When you are waiting for the Good morning text. Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. If I were any better, I'd be you. Which brings me right back to not understanding why parents do this to themselves and their children. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. Indeed. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. "Weekends are days to refuel your soul and to be grateful for the blessings that you have." - Anonymous 2. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. Totally fair and perfectly polite. Ex.1. After answering you always ask the other person in return how they are, and they respond in kind. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? Source: Facebook. Especially not in NYC, where housing is so tight, and especially when she doesnt have a job.). [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Answer vaguely. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. What are you doing this weekend? My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work. I used to get caught by this question. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. I also trained myself to say, Oh just marathoning *show I like* or I picked up a new book and cant wait to dive in! which they translate to doing a thing. (I suppose they thought that before I responded that way. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. The person is saying something factually incorrect. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. Or only if you consider it important? Thank you for a better way to ask this question. You're very welcome. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. That sounds weird coming from you. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. For small talk, I like to ask questions where the answer can be simple. What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. Need some help actually. This one is a bit tricky for me. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? Why not be honest? 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. Any event. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. This strikes me as so strange! It changed how I felt about her for a long time. If partying and watching Netflix is the only thing you dream of doing, don't pretend that you spend your days filling out job applications. Can you repeat what you just said? It could trick your family members into thinking that you actually have your life together. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) That it can be based on something as intangible as a mood. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). I really like this point! If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. Mentioning your actual plans is one. What are you planning? and nowadays I find that a great answer. Of course, you can replace "great" with any adjective (positive or negative) that describes your day in a general way. I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. Just how I like it :). How about you?. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. 2. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. And even if she did pay money (not rentbut to share in the household expense, which is different from rent, even if it is the same amount of money), I would still consider her to be part of my family and as such why WOULDNT she pitch in when I needed her to? Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! Great, Thanks for Asking. Must say I kinda love your kids response. I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you.. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. Im glad for the above scripts! Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. They may be angling to invite you somewhere. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. Thats fair. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). 2. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. 7. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. I have never had it used against me as an ableist term, but I will use a different word in the future. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Work it like a weekend warrior! This business of judging what another adult does with their leisure hours (with the obvious caveat that they harm no one) is bad enough, but insisting on the right to interrupt that time to set another adult extra chores is unreasonable in most circumstances, and not good for anybody. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). You can help!'. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. But I think its disingenuous? But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? Look who is talking. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. And maybe just dont think of the flip side where the question could potentially add more pressure. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Why does it need taking care of?? What are you doing this weekend? What you are currently doing. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? person: Hey, hiya, rya? You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? Im also annoyed by these questions! To those who suggested building better boundaries with my family: Good advice. I disagree concerning the Where are you from? part. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. Him: What are your plans for the weekend? I want collaborators, not pupils. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. It always makes me a little uncomfortable, because Im not used to grocery store cashiers asking me how I am. Interesting. There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . I hear you. Im glad youre no longer friends with that jerk. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing.
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